I have a date today.
When A. and I broke up, and stopped talking, I slept with two guys.
Before A., that’s the life I lived. I’m young, and I love the thrill of life. I loved having complete control of my emotions. I wanted to be cold, heartless… I wanted to be fun. Desired. Lusted for.
After A., I’m a little… well I’m fucked up. I mean, I’ve been but I’m a little extra now. A little crazier.
And I know what you’re thinking.
How about you take some time to be alone and figure yourself out?
I know who I am. Miss Independent.
I know what I want. To have fun! Feel normal again.
So I have a date today.
We all know when the fight is over. We aren’t always ready to admit it, but deep down inside we know it.
We start to become emotionally exhausted of fighting. And thoughts begin to creep into our heads that maybe it just isn’t worth it. Clarity begins to shine like the morning rays that flood your room in the morning, and you start to see the things that had been blind to you in the name of love.
You’re afraid to leave. You’re afraid you will never find someone that will make you feel the way he did. You’re convinced you’ll never love the way you’ve loved him again. You don’t want to.
When A. broke up with me, I was in denial. For about a month after the breakup I would still refer to him as my man. As it was presented to me we were “working things out”, and so that meant he was still my man.
But then he stopped trying. And I got tired of trying alone. And we let go of what I thought was the most special connection I’ve ever had with anyone. And as the days turned into weeks without a word from him I thought, it will get better. But the weeks turned into months and it didn’t. I had no closure, and I needed it. I hate that I just wrote that.
So I called him, hoping to be able to crawl right back into the comfortable space we had. But A. didn’t want to. And as I fought hard to show him that I could fix all his insecurities of love he fought harder to shut me out. He would say things like,
The connection we have is so special, and you are everything to me. I’m sorry that I can’t be everything you need.
And I would come up with ways we could work out. Plead for him to see me. But he wouldn’t.
I can’t handle being with you right now. You drive me crazy. You’re my drug.
But I wasn’t. Addicts can’t control themselves. I would know.
We have two different sides to our brain. The left and the right. Each side represents a different kind of thinking. One side is logical and the other emotional.
A. works with the logical side. I on the other hand am the most emotionally crazed person you might meet.
So while his brain tells him that we just logically don’t work, mine is screaming that a connection like ours doesn’t just get thrown away.
I’m pushy. I’ve always been. If I want something, I want it now. I don’t want to wait. I don’t expect it to just come to me either. I’m a go-getter. I won’t stop till I have it.
A. on the other hand is a long-haul planner. He will patiently wait for what he wants. He believes his moves will come to him. He will prep for years for something he doesn’t even know if it’s coming. To me that makes no sense. How can you plan for something that you don’t even know is coming? Isn’t that a waste of time? Why not put that energy and effort into going and getting it?
But the same applied to our relationship… which we no longer have. We have a friendship now. But I digress.
A. believed in building a fire and worrying about keeping it alive. It didn’t matter if the flame wasn’t strong. He just wanted it alive because it would last forever as long as he kept adding wood.
I on the other hand want to keep adding fuel. I need fuel. I need the flame to be massive. I worry that if the flame isn’t wild enough then we aren’t reaching for the ultimate passion that the both of us can achieve. And why would we want to settle for some mediocre passion? I mean don’t get me wrong, of course I want my fire to last forever as well, but I want there to be passion too.
So the question, are we just too different, and too set in our ways to make it work?
I’m a believer of the old saying,
Things happen for a reason.
What’s meant to be will always find its way.
So when A and I went on our first date my bells started ringing. I thought, here I am in a new city all by myself for the first time, and somehow I effortlessly find an amazing human being who actually enjoys spending time with me. And I know it’s crazy to think we were meant to happen after just one day, but how else can I explain the intense vibe we had with each other? I mean if I was still at home, I would have never met him. But I had made the decision to move and I had met him!
I quickly fell into a relationship with him.
I had given him all my heart with no restrains. On paper it made no sense. He was older than me, and had a completely different lifestyle than I did. We disagreed on pretty much everything. But before I knew it we had embarked in this journey together and it was the happiest I had been in my whole life.
A and I would see each other nearly everyday. I became almost addicted to him. He relaxed me, and made me feel like myself. He made me laugh. My God we laughed so hard. He was everything I ever wanted in a partner. Well… almost. But even the bad, and the flaws that he had, I was willing to work through.
As the months passed, the short lived most amazing months, I experienced a kind of love with him I had never before. It was a mature, kind, loyal, understanding love. It was a supportive kind of love. It was a protective kind of love. It was everything to me.
We fought. Sometimes a lot. But I never saw the day coming when he left me.
I like to think of myself as a pretty independent woman. I like to think, better put by The Pussycat Dolls,
I don’t need a man to make it happen. I get off bein’ free. I don’t need a man to make me feel good. I get off doin’ my thing. I don’t need a ring around my finger to make me feel complete. So let me break it down. I can get off when you ain’t around!
I’d been single for nearly 4 years when A. came into my life, and was loving every minute of it. Let’s make no mistake I wasn’t an angel by any means. I was having fun. Girls just wanna have fun.
As struck as I was by A. I never thought I would have a chance with him. Even in my wildest day dreams I never imagined we’d develop a relationship. He always gave me the vibe of someone who wasn’t ready to settle down, and I didn’t think I was ready either. Now looking back maybe I should have listened to that feeling in the back of my mind, but what fun would that have been?
I tried, I tried so hard to get this man to just glance my way. I wore the short, but still professional skirts. I tried to catch him on the same break and make painful small talk. I would try and be flirty in front of him. I mean I put in work, and received ZERO feedback. Now that’s not exactly what I’m accustomed to. People love me, but here this man was, the only man I seemed to now think existed in this dumed world, not even blinking my way. I almost gave up, I was damn near close to stop making a fool of myself; finally he woke up and noticed me.
One moment you are a care-free 23 year old roaming the world. You rule your universe; move at your own pace. You don’t need anyone. You’re invincible. You wake up, and the only thing that matters is how you are going to reach your dreams. After all the world is yours to take, and you’re hungry, ready to take more than you can even handle.
SIDENOTE: I lived in the East Coast, and moved to the south for a job. I find myself to be a go-getter. I blame it on my zodiac sign, as Leos’ tend to go for what they want, and for the most part get it. I get what I want, and most importantly I know what it is that I want. First, I wanted the job in the south. Done. Next, I wanted my manager, A.
The next moment he walks in the room, and everything stops. I’ve always believed in God, but seeing A. walk in the room was absolute confirmation. How can such a perfectly crafted human being be created? He was literally everything: tall, dark, and handsome. But A. was more. He walked like he owned every step he took. He had power over the room. If he said left, everyone would move in military like formation. His voice showed confidence. A. was something like I had never seen before, and I thought, “Now that is what a man looks like.”
I remember telling my coworker that I needed to have him, and she laughed it off. Neither of us thought it would ever happen.