Part Time Porn Star?

My favorite porn star messaged me on social media. 

I didn’t even know how to act. Like what does one talk about with a porn star? I mean is it just about sex? Or would they rather talk about anything else since that’s their everyday job? I don’t like to talk about work with others, so maybe thats’s how they are as well. 

The messages back and forth lasted maybe for 3 days. 

Maybe I should have sexted him. But I think a little part of me was scared to know where I could take this. Because after I took his dick I’m pretty sure I would be ruined for life. 

Dating Continues…

I have a very busy month ahead of me and I love it. It keeps me away from the house and from the fact that A. lives 10 minutes from me. 

The other day I asked him if he wanted to date other people and he dodged the question. He keeps saying he doesn’t want us to have sex because if we do we won’t workout our problems. But we aren’t having sex and still not working out our problems. So at this point I’m just over it and tired. 

Next week I’ll be going to DC, and Vegas. I have a date in each place. Then I’ll be in Jersey soon after that, and will have a date there as well. 

I can assure you that I’m 90% sleeping with Vegas. Haven’t decided on the rest. But I’ve known Vegas for over two years now. He’s the best sex I have ever had, and I’m looking forward to reuniting with him. 

This month seems promising. Even if my dates go completely left I plan on having really good stories to tell. Hopefully I can add a few more dates just to add wood to the fire. I joined bumble after getting kicked out of tinder… don’t ask. We’ll see how this works out for me. 

Stick with me. 

Dangerous Games

My date went well.

By that I mean I actually went, and didn’t flake out.

He picked me up at home, like a gentleman. Then proceeded to drive to our date destination, which he had also picked. I was worried when he said we were going to a Chinese/Mexican place. I have to admit I pictured a pretty weird place, and was worried. The last thing I needed after getting ready for  2.5 hours was to go to some shitty place.

When we arrived I still had my doubts. But then we were seated and I was in love. The weather was beautiful so we were able to sit outside. The place was decorated very sweetly with night lights surrounding the whole outside sitting area. The food was to die for. And there were even fireworks for whatever reason. The date in itself was perfect, the only bad part:  I didn’t feel any fireworks between us.

There was conversation the whole date, even in the car on the way, but at times it felt forced.

At the end of the date he paid for our meal, carried my take-home food, and opened my car door. All very good qualities. I was impressed, but still no spark.

When he dropped me off at home he gave me a hug, and indicated he would love to see me again. We made no plans.

The moment I walked into the house, I had already had a few drinks, so I messaged A. two pictures of how good I looked. He messaged me back complimenting them.

I know what I said on my last post… But addiction is hard… specially when you don’t want help. And every time I go out with another guy, I can’t help but to think of A., and how I wish I was doing it all with him.

So I called.

He picked me up, and we went to some crummy Irish bar. The only people there besides us were another couple, two old guys sitting at different ends of the bar, and the staff. We drank, and laughed hard. And then we started drunk talking to each other, you know when you’re so vulnerable that all your emotions just come out like word vomit.

He told me he thought many times of asking me to marry him. I wish he would have.

We left the bar as if we were a couple again, but we both knew we weren’t. But it was beautiful to pretend even if just for the night. 

We sang to each other on the way home, which is one of my favorite things to do with him in the car mainly because I suck and he’s so good at it and I find it hilarious. As does he. And I love to see him smile or laugh or do anything really. 

Anyways I ended up home alone, again.

Is My Alter Ego Back?

I have a date today.

When A. and I broke up, and stopped talking, I slept with two guys.

Before A., that’s the life I lived. I’m young, and I love the thrill of life. I loved having complete control of my emotions. I wanted to be cold, heartless… I wanted to be fun. Desired. Lusted for.

After A., I’m a little… well I’m fucked up. I mean, I’ve been but I’m a little extra now. A little crazier.

And I know what you’re thinking.

How about you take some time to be alone and figure yourself out?

I know who I am. Miss Independent.

I know what I want. To have fun! Feel normal again.

So I have a date today.

Letting Go

We all know when the fight is over. We aren’t always ready to admit it, but deep down inside we know it.

We start to become emotionally exhausted of fighting. And thoughts begin to creep into our heads that maybe it just isn’t worth it. Clarity begins to shine like the morning rays that flood your room in the morning, and you start to see the things that had been blind to you in the name of love.

You’re afraid to leave. You’re afraid you will never find someone that will make you feel the way he did. You’re convinced you’ll never love the way you’ve loved him again. You don’t want to.

When A. broke up with me, I was in denial. For about a month after the breakup I would still refer to him as my man. As it was presented to me we were “working things out”, and so that meant he was still my man.

But then he stopped trying. And I got tired of trying alone. And we let go of what I thought was the most special connection I’ve ever had with anyone. And as the days turned into weeks without a word from him I thought, it will get better. But the weeks turned into months and it didn’t. I had no closure, and I needed it. I hate that I just wrote that.

So I called him, hoping to be able to crawl right back into the comfortable space we had. But A. didn’t want to. And as I fought hard to show him that I could fix all his insecurities of love he fought harder to shut me out. He would say things like,

The connection we have is so special, and you are everything to me. I’m sorry that I can’t be everything you need.

And I would come up with ways we could work out. Plead for him to see me. But he wouldn’t.

I can’t handle being with you right now. You drive me crazy. You’re my drug.

But I wasn’t. Addicts can’t control themselves.  I would know.

Do Opposites Really Attract?

We have two different sides to our brain. The left and the right. Each side represents a different kind of thinking. One side is logical and the other emotional. 

A. works with the logical side. I on the other hand am the most emotionally crazed person you might meet. 

So while his brain tells him that we just logically don’t work, mine is screaming that a connection like ours doesn’t just get thrown away. 

I’m pushy. I’ve always been. If I want something, I want it now. I don’t want to wait. I don’t expect it to just come to me either. I’m a go-getter. I won’t stop till I have it. 

A. on the other hand is a long-haul planner. He will patiently wait for what he wants. He believes his moves will come to him. He will prep for years for something he doesn’t even know if it’s coming. To me that makes no sense. How can you plan for something that you don’t even know is coming? Isn’t that a waste of time? Why not put that energy and effort into going and getting it?

But the same applied to our relationship… which we no longer have. We have a friendship now. But I digress. 

A. believed in building a fire and worrying about keeping it alive. It didn’t matter if the flame wasn’t strong. He just wanted it alive because it would last forever as long as he kept adding wood. 

I on the other hand want to keep adding fuel. I need fuel. I need the flame to be massive. I worry that if the flame isn’t wild enough then we aren’t reaching for the ultimate passion that the both of us can achieve. And why would we want to settle for some mediocre passion? I mean don’t get me wrong, of course I want my fire to last forever as well, but I want there to be passion too. 

So the question, are we just too different, and too set in our ways to make it work?