I have a date today.
When A. and I broke up, and stopped talking, I slept with two guys.
Before A., that’s the life I lived. I’m young, and I love the thrill of life. I loved having complete control of my emotions. I wanted to be cold, heartless… I wanted to be fun. Desired. Lusted for.
After A., I’m a little… well I’m fucked up. I mean, I’ve been but I’m a little extra now. A little crazier.
And I know what you’re thinking.
How about you take some time to be alone and figure yourself out?
I know who I am. Miss Independent.
I know what I want. To have fun! Feel normal again.
So I have a date today.
We have two different sides to our brain. The left and the right. Each side represents a different kind of thinking. One side is logical and the other emotional.
A. works with the logical side. I on the other hand am the most emotionally crazed person you might meet.
So while his brain tells him that we just logically don’t work, mine is screaming that a connection like ours doesn’t just get thrown away.
I’m pushy. I’ve always been. If I want something, I want it now. I don’t want to wait. I don’t expect it to just come to me either. I’m a go-getter. I won’t stop till I have it.
A. on the other hand is a long-haul planner. He will patiently wait for what he wants. He believes his moves will come to him. He will prep for years for something he doesn’t even know if it’s coming. To me that makes no sense. How can you plan for something that you don’t even know is coming? Isn’t that a waste of time? Why not put that energy and effort into going and getting it?
But the same applied to our relationship… which we no longer have. We have a friendship now. But I digress.
A. believed in building a fire and worrying about keeping it alive. It didn’t matter if the flame wasn’t strong. He just wanted it alive because it would last forever as long as he kept adding wood.
I on the other hand want to keep adding fuel. I need fuel. I need the flame to be massive. I worry that if the flame isn’t wild enough then we aren’t reaching for the ultimate passion that the both of us can achieve. And why would we want to settle for some mediocre passion? I mean don’t get me wrong, of course I want my fire to last forever as well, but I want there to be passion too.
So the question, are we just too different, and too set in our ways to make it work?